I Thank God for being God

It's a good thing that God is real because I don't know what I'm doing. My life feels like it's in shambles. Every time I follow my evil monkey and I say or do what I want to do I reap serious failure.

Last night I verbally lashed out at my wife in an effort to intentionally cause her pain. Unfortunately I was successful. I pulled out every evil thought I had and lobbed them at her like grenades. All because of my own hurt feelings. I was angry and hurt and completely out of control. I wanted her to feel like I feel. I hate myself for giving voice to my pain. It was not fair to her or our kids and it will not help me heal at all.

The crazy thing is I don't really recall what I said. At least not most of it. Some of it is starting to come back to me but most of it is a blur. I felt like I was possessed and just spewing venom. Almost like I was watching myself in a movie scene. I guess it doesn't really matter what state I was in, all that matters is that evil poured out of my mouth and seriously hurt my wife. For that I am terribly sorry.

One of the things I have been studying this week is how the devil will use your own guilt to keep you stagnant and you will miss out on your blessings. I'm struggling with this right now. I feel so guilty for having hurt her after she has worked so hard to make amends and be a good wife and partner. She has no idea how much the pain I caused her hurts me. The thought of losing her makes me feel sick to my stomach. We have gone through to much not to make it to the top together as husband and wife. I know the devils goal is to break us up and stop of from reaching Gods promise. Every time we get a prayer answered one of us, mostly me, acts like an ass. When I should be giving God all of the glory I am instead whining about what I lost and how much it hurts to be me.

That being said I truly thank God for simply being God. He has more than proven himself to me. Every time I create a situation of failure he corrects it. Every time I pray for help he provides it. So many things in my life that were dead or dying have been made new and whole. I can't tell you how amazing that is for me to witness.

I'm glad I'm broke today.

Well, I got drunk. Not nearly as drunk as I wanted to get. The wife caught on after my third glass full of rum with a trickle of cranberry juice. I was well on my way to passing out though. I had not eaten all day because we were fasting and the alcohol took effect rather quickly. How ironic is it that I give in to the call of alcohol on a day when I am fasting to strengthen my spirit? It's not ironic at all. It's all apart of our spiritual battle and I lost my battle last night.

I did my daily search for pain and as usual I found exactly what I was looking for. Just enough pain to push me away from my family and from God so I could wallow long enough in self pity to come up with a self destructive idea. The pain was too much for me and all I wanted to do was disappear into my glass. It worked. I felt great. No terrible flashes of events that I had never witnessed but can see so clearly, no memories of betrayal or deception, no feelings of loneliness or despair, it was nice. That was the worst part of it. The fact that it did temporarily relieve all of those terrible feelings made me feel guilty and a bit scared. It was too easy.

I know it was the wrong thing to do. No need to dwell on my mistake though, it will only make me feel bad and open the door for more mistakes.

I'm really scared that I will do it again. Sometimes it's a good thing to be broke and unable to do what you want to do.

Going through it

I'm going through it. Life has thrown some stuff at me that I can't deal with alone. You know the good stuff like betrayal and deception, and lots of it. I have lost so many things as a result. I am struggling to deal with it. Struggling to forgive. I have recommitted myself to God and I'm doing everything I can think of to get through it. Prayer, counselling, support groups, anything that will help.

I am currently having serious urges to get pissy drunk. I feel like I need to consume large amounts of hard liquor to drown my sorrows. I know that it's not a good idea to self medicate with booze but I have an intense desire to get loaded and let it go. I can smell the alcohol. I can damn near taste it. My mind and body are both telling me to drink and not to stop until I pass out.

Funny thing is, I don't drink.

I have not really had any hard liquor since I was in high school. Yeah, I know, I started early. Thank God I ended early. My compulsive need for self control would not allow me to let myself get drunk around my wife or my children. I have always felt that I could not protect them if I was intoxicated. I also noticed that drinking would not be a good thing for my wife. I didn't quite understand it before but my gut was right, drinking would lead to bad things for her. I know they would lead to bad things for me as well considering the rogues gallery of alcoholics and drug users that I share DNA with. I knew I could never allow myself to start drinking as an adult or I would fall prey to the family curse.