From the ashes of my life

If you've read my previous post you can see that ya boy Serious has been in a bit of trouble as of late. I've been spending far to much time fighting the demons of the past and not enough time dealing with my current reality or reaching for my future. It's amazing how old shit can so easily make you forget what you are doing and where you are headed, if you let it.

I say if you let it because I am learning, the hard way, that being upset or hurt about the past really is a choice. You don't have to let past hurts, mistakes, choices, events, or whatever affect you if you don't want them to. Unfortunately, I have too often chosen to let the painful memories of my recent past send me into vodka induced pity parties. I find it interesting how quickly and deeply one can fall into negative behaviors like alcoholism, drug abuse, or similar vices. It just proves to me how dangerous such behaviors truly are. They require so little effort, have such small rewards and are capable of producing such negative results.

That said, I'm choosing to refocus my efforts and move past the past into the now and on toward the future. Soon you all will be looking at my firm perfectly shaped black ass* passing you by on my way to victory!

* Special note - The writer of this blog does not in reality have a firm perfectly shaped ass nor does he care that he does not. Furthermore it is not all that black. In fact it is really high yellow. I know T.M.I.

I'm glad I'm broke today.

Well, I got drunk. Not nearly as drunk as I wanted to get. The wife caught on after my third glass full of rum with a trickle of cranberry juice. I was well on my way to passing out though. I had not eaten all day because we were fasting and the alcohol took effect rather quickly. How ironic is it that I give in to the call of alcohol on a day when I am fasting to strengthen my spirit? It's not ironic at all. It's all apart of our spiritual battle and I lost my battle last night.

I did my daily search for pain and as usual I found exactly what I was looking for. Just enough pain to push me away from my family and from God so I could wallow long enough in self pity to come up with a self destructive idea. The pain was too much for me and all I wanted to do was disappear into my glass. It worked. I felt great. No terrible flashes of events that I had never witnessed but can see so clearly, no memories of betrayal or deception, no feelings of loneliness or despair, it was nice. That was the worst part of it. The fact that it did temporarily relieve all of those terrible feelings made me feel guilty and a bit scared. It was too easy.

I know it was the wrong thing to do. No need to dwell on my mistake though, it will only make me feel bad and open the door for more mistakes.

I'm really scared that I will do it again. Sometimes it's a good thing to be broke and unable to do what you want to do.