I Thank God for being God

It's a good thing that God is real because I don't know what I'm doing. My life feels like it's in shambles. Every time I follow my evil monkey and I say or do what I want to do I reap serious failure.

Last night I verbally lashed out at my wife in an effort to intentionally cause her pain. Unfortunately I was successful. I pulled out every evil thought I had and lobbed them at her like grenades. All because of my own hurt feelings. I was angry and hurt and completely out of control. I wanted her to feel like I feel. I hate myself for giving voice to my pain. It was not fair to her or our kids and it will not help me heal at all.

The crazy thing is I don't really recall what I said. At least not most of it. Some of it is starting to come back to me but most of it is a blur. I felt like I was possessed and just spewing venom. Almost like I was watching myself in a movie scene. I guess it doesn't really matter what state I was in, all that matters is that evil poured out of my mouth and seriously hurt my wife. For that I am terribly sorry.

One of the things I have been studying this week is how the devil will use your own guilt to keep you stagnant and you will miss out on your blessings. I'm struggling with this right now. I feel so guilty for having hurt her after she has worked so hard to make amends and be a good wife and partner. She has no idea how much the pain I caused her hurts me. The thought of losing her makes me feel sick to my stomach. We have gone through to much not to make it to the top together as husband and wife. I know the devils goal is to break us up and stop of from reaching Gods promise. Every time we get a prayer answered one of us, mostly me, acts like an ass. When I should be giving God all of the glory I am instead whining about what I lost and how much it hurts to be me.

That being said I truly thank God for simply being God. He has more than proven himself to me. Every time I create a situation of failure he corrects it. Every time I pray for help he provides it. So many things in my life that were dead or dying have been made new and whole. I can't tell you how amazing that is for me to witness.

From the ashes of my life

If you've read my previous post you can see that ya boy Serious has been in a bit of trouble as of late. I've been spending far to much time fighting the demons of the past and not enough time dealing with my current reality or reaching for my future. It's amazing how old shit can so easily make you forget what you are doing and where you are headed, if you let it.

I say if you let it because I am learning, the hard way, that being upset or hurt about the past really is a choice. You don't have to let past hurts, mistakes, choices, events, or whatever affect you if you don't want them to. Unfortunately, I have too often chosen to let the painful memories of my recent past send me into vodka induced pity parties. I find it interesting how quickly and deeply one can fall into negative behaviors like alcoholism, drug abuse, or similar vices. It just proves to me how dangerous such behaviors truly are. They require so little effort, have such small rewards and are capable of producing such negative results.

That said, I'm choosing to refocus my efforts and move past the past into the now and on toward the future. Soon you all will be looking at my firm perfectly shaped black ass* passing you by on my way to victory!

* Special note - The writer of this blog does not in reality have a firm perfectly shaped ass nor does he care that he does not. Furthermore it is not all that black. In fact it is really high yellow. I know T.M.I.

Going through it

I'm going through it. Life has thrown some stuff at me that I can't deal with alone. You know the good stuff like betrayal and deception, and lots of it. I have lost so many things as a result. I am struggling to deal with it. Struggling to forgive. I have recommitted myself to God and I'm doing everything I can think of to get through it. Prayer, counselling, support groups, anything that will help.

I am currently having serious urges to get pissy drunk. I feel like I need to consume large amounts of hard liquor to drown my sorrows. I know that it's not a good idea to self medicate with booze but I have an intense desire to get loaded and let it go. I can smell the alcohol. I can damn near taste it. My mind and body are both telling me to drink and not to stop until I pass out.

Funny thing is, I don't drink.

I have not really had any hard liquor since I was in high school. Yeah, I know, I started early. Thank God I ended early. My compulsive need for self control would not allow me to let myself get drunk around my wife or my children. I have always felt that I could not protect them if I was intoxicated. I also noticed that drinking would not be a good thing for my wife. I didn't quite understand it before but my gut was right, drinking would lead to bad things for her. I know they would lead to bad things for me as well considering the rogues gallery of alcoholics and drug users that I share DNA with. I knew I could never allow myself to start drinking as an adult or I would fall prey to the family curse.