My new BFF

Sorry Khalid, sorry Jay, Sorry D, you guys are no longer my best friends. My new BFF is Arty! Not really, but the kid, he's only 19, gets much love for what he told me last night. I was chatting with the fellas at work and out of the blue the kid asked me how old I was. I was a little reluctant to tell him because I had just gone through a rather depressing period not 24 hours early. You see the previous day was my birthday and not a very good one. My people showed love and my wife went out of her way to make me feel special, thanks baby, but it was still the worst birthday I have ever had. The kid gave me the best gift of all, a little confidence booster. He was shocked when I told him I was 31. He said I looked 25 and that if I shaved my goatee I would look even younger. I wanted to hung the little bastard.

I have always used my b-day as a reflection point for my life, a time to judge my progress and assess my potential. Well, when I did my usual introspective review I was not please. Recent events have left me feeling inadequate and empty. I didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I was in a major funk, that's putting it lightly. Listening to the kid reminded me that things are not always what they seem, your reality is not always the reality. I looked into the mirror and saw a sad excuse for a man looking back, the kid looked at me saw a cool young dude. Yeah, I added the cool part, so what.

Thanks for the confidence booster kid! I owe you big time.

Say hello to the bad guy!

I've noticed a trend among you evil monkeys out there. It seems that you don't want to take responsibility for your own actions so you disguise your desire as an inquiry. Cut the monkey business and get real. I see what you are doing even if you don't.

That clever little evil monkey that lurks in us all will pose a question that he already knows the answer so you are forced to answer it thus eliminating his need to make a decision for himself. Then he is free to blame you for the outcome.

For example, my man Big Bird will tell his pals on Sesame Street that he doesn't want to see any strangers on his block today. Yes, Big Bird is gansta like that. Everyone will say they are cool with it and agree. Then a little bit later Ernie will pop up with his folks from out of town that no one knows and ask the Birdman if it's cool if they kick it on Sesame street. The answer is no and Ernie already knows that. He, just like our inner evil monkeys, does not want to take responsibility for his actions or look weak in front of his people so he puts the Bird on the spot. Big Bird says hell no, not on my block. Now Ernie and his people are pissed. They talk major trash behind Big Birds back about him being mean and angry. Instead of standing by what he agreed to do Ernie makes Big Bird into the bad guy by forcing him to make the decision instead of just telling his folks they had to bounce.

Take responsibility for your own actions. Don't make it someone else's decision whether or not you do right or wrong. Don't put other people on the spot in front of your friends. Stop making me the damn bad guy because I will be just that if I have to be.

On a separate note - I in no way condone Big Birds actions in the above photo. Personally I think he lacks class but you know how he gets down. You can't tell him nothing.

10 Simple Rules To Honoring Your Wife by Pastor Creflo Dollar

I just watched Pastor Creflo Dollar (I always laugh at his name, sounds like a pimp) preach about honoring your wife and I had to share it.

10 Simple Rules to Honoring your Wife

1. Open doors for her.
2. Offer to hold her hand as she ascends / descends steps or enters / exits a vehicle.
3. Give her the extra money sometimes so she can spend it on herself. She will appreciate it and will see that you are sacrificing yourself for her benefit. She will likely reciprocate this action.
4. Tell her how beautiful she and do it often. Most women cannot hear this enough.
5. Honor her in front of your children. She will feel special, your son will learn how to treat his wife, and your daughter will learn what to expect from her husband.
6. Take her out to eat dinner and let her do all of the talking.
7. Call her during the day just to let her know that she is loved and missed. (My 2 cents - Don't call her to complain about what she did or did not do.)
8. Schedule time for just her. Cut off the cell phones if you can. Plan something creative and interesting to do.
9. Write her notes of love, appreciation, and encouragement.
10. Remember the special dates.

We need to remember to treat our wives like the valuable people they are.

Sick of being Daddy

The title for this post is a little misleading. I love my kids and I love being their father. My life would not be complete with out them. My issue is with how women or more specifically my wife views me. When she looks at me I feel like she only sees Daddy. I hate being seen as Daddy. Yeah Daddy's are loving and responsible. They can be handsome, I have been told I am. They are safe. They are soooo damn boring! Who wants to be that? I don't, at least not all the time. I realize I need to bring stability and all that good stuff to the family but sometimes I want to be looked at solely as a man not as Daddy. I want to be seen as the guy who she wants to fuck her brains out not just the guys who makes love to her and comforts her. I want to be the dude that brings out her inner freak not just the cat she is so comfortable with that we can joke and play during sex. Right now I hate being Daddy. What happens after marriage that changes you from a sexual dynamo who she can't get enough of to dude she loves to much to be truly nasty with?

I find it funny when women tell me that they think it's sexy when they see men with their kids being good fathers. Bullshit. They may think it's cute but not sexy. They don't see Daddy and get wet. They respect Daddy but the panties, they do not fall. Women are lying to themselves and you. They want a dude with no kids, no responsibilities because he can provide the attention they need. There is nothing sexy about kids knocking at the door just as she gets close to an orgasm. Nope, not sexy at all. And women know that.

It sucks being seen only as Daddy when I am so much more.

My wife keeps sending me these emails of encouragement and support for an issue we are currently dealing with and I love her for it. God knows it makes me stronger and helps me so much but what about the other emails? Where is the I want you to do this that and the other to me or I want to do this that and the other to you? Am I asking for to much here? Just to be clear this is not a sex thing. Our sex life is good. I know she loves me but I want to know she wants me. Who doesn't want to be wanted?

Hancocked

Today I was about 5 seconds away from getting drunk but decided not to. Instead I opted to spend my last 10 bucks at In & Out, where I got a double double and a coke instead. I bet it was worse for my health than the liquour. I know it was not nearly as satisfying or relaxing. I wonder if I won or lost this battle. I suppose a greasy burger is better than the alternative; me laying drunken on a bus stop bench ala Hancock. That was where I was headed today. Thank God for the victory.

I'm glad I'm broke today.

Well, I got drunk. Not nearly as drunk as I wanted to get. The wife caught on after my third glass full of rum with a trickle of cranberry juice. I was well on my way to passing out though. I had not eaten all day because we were fasting and the alcohol took effect rather quickly. How ironic is it that I give in to the call of alcohol on a day when I am fasting to strengthen my spirit? It's not ironic at all. It's all apart of our spiritual battle and I lost my battle last night.

I did my daily search for pain and as usual I found exactly what I was looking for. Just enough pain to push me away from my family and from God so I could wallow long enough in self pity to come up with a self destructive idea. The pain was too much for me and all I wanted to do was disappear into my glass. It worked. I felt great. No terrible flashes of events that I had never witnessed but can see so clearly, no memories of betrayal or deception, no feelings of loneliness or despair, it was nice. That was the worst part of it. The fact that it did temporarily relieve all of those terrible feelings made me feel guilty and a bit scared. It was too easy.

I know it was the wrong thing to do. No need to dwell on my mistake though, it will only make me feel bad and open the door for more mistakes.

I'm really scared that I will do it again. Sometimes it's a good thing to be broke and unable to do what you want to do.

Going through it

I'm going through it. Life has thrown some stuff at me that I can't deal with alone. You know the good stuff like betrayal and deception, and lots of it. I have lost so many things as a result. I am struggling to deal with it. Struggling to forgive. I have recommitted myself to God and I'm doing everything I can think of to get through it. Prayer, counselling, support groups, anything that will help.

I am currently having serious urges to get pissy drunk. I feel like I need to consume large amounts of hard liquor to drown my sorrows. I know that it's not a good idea to self medicate with booze but I have an intense desire to get loaded and let it go. I can smell the alcohol. I can damn near taste it. My mind and body are both telling me to drink and not to stop until I pass out.

Funny thing is, I don't drink.

I have not really had any hard liquor since I was in high school. Yeah, I know, I started early. Thank God I ended early. My compulsive need for self control would not allow me to let myself get drunk around my wife or my children. I have always felt that I could not protect them if I was intoxicated. I also noticed that drinking would not be a good thing for my wife. I didn't quite understand it before but my gut was right, drinking would lead to bad things for her. I know they would lead to bad things for me as well considering the rogues gallery of alcoholics and drug users that I share DNA with. I knew I could never allow myself to start drinking as an adult or I would fall prey to the family curse.