Today I was about 5 seconds away from getting drunk but decided not to. Instead I opted to spend my last 10 bucks at In & Out, where I got a double double and a coke instead. I bet it was worse for my health than the liquour. I know it was not nearly as satisfying or relaxing. I wonder if I won or lost this battle. I suppose a greasy burger is better than the alternative; me laying drunken on a bus stop bench ala Hancock. That was where I was headed today. Thank God for the victory.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Well, I got drunk. Not nearly as drunk as I wanted to get. The wife caught on after my third glass full of rum with a trickle of cranberry juice. I was well on my way to passing out though. I had not eaten all day because we were fasting and the alcohol took effect rather quickly. How ironic is it that I give in to the call of alcohol on a day when I am fasting to strengthen my spirit? It's not ironic at all. It's all apart of our spiritual battle and I lost my battle last night.
I did my daily search for pain and as usual I found exactly what I was looking for. Just enough pain to push me away from my family and from God so I could wallow long enough in self pity to come up with a self destructive idea. The pain was too much for me and all I wanted to do was disappear into my glass. It worked. I felt great. No terrible flashes of events that I had never witnessed but can see so clearly, no memories of betrayal or deception, no feelings of loneliness or despair, it was nice. That was the worst part of it. The fact that it did temporarily relieve all of those terrible feelings made me feel guilty and a bit scared. It was too easy.
I know it was the wrong thing to do. No need to dwell on my mistake though, it will only make me feel bad and open the door for more mistakes.
I'm really scared that I will do it again. Sometimes it's a good thing to be broke and unable to do what you want to do.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
I'm going through it. Life has thrown some stuff at me that I can't deal with alone. You know the good stuff like betrayal and deception, and lots of it. I have lost so many things as a result. I am struggling to deal with it. Struggling to forgive. I have recommitted myself to God and I'm doing everything I can think of to get through it. Prayer, counselling, support groups, anything that will help.
I am currently having serious urges to get pissy drunk. I feel like I need to consume large amounts of hard liquor to drown my sorrows. I know that it's not a good idea to self medicate with booze but I have an intense desire to get loaded and let it go. I can smell the alcohol. I can damn near taste it. My mind and body are both telling me to drink and not to stop until I pass out.
Funny thing is, I don't drink.
I have not really had any hard liquor since I was in high school. Yeah, I know, I started early. Thank God I ended early. My compulsive need for self control would not allow me to let myself get drunk around my wife or my children. I have always felt that I could not protect them if I was intoxicated. I also noticed that drinking would not be a good thing for my wife. I didn't quite understand it before but my gut was right, drinking would lead to bad things for her. I know they would lead to bad things for me as well considering the rogues gallery of alcoholics and drug users that I share DNA with. I knew I could never allow myself to start drinking as an adult or I would fall prey to the family curse.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Over the last few weeks I have truly witnessed the power of the tongue in action. I've made several declarations that have come true, unfortunately all of them were negative. I can't say that I was surprised that these things manifested in reality since I was raised in the church and understand that words have power (even if I don't act like it). However what did surprise me was the speed and strength in which those words manifested and the vice like grip they held on my life.
One particular statement really got my attention. In an act of egotistical machismo I threatened an enemy (yes I have those) that I would become a very vengeful person if he crossed me again. I knew from the moment I threatened him that I was acting on my own accord and outside of the will of God, but I just had to do things my way because my way always works out for the best right. A few days later, through a course of actions that my own disobedience to God put into motion, my enemy took advantage of an opportunity and crossed me yet again. The situation was difficult to deal with because it involved someone I love dearly opening a door that allowed my enemy the opportunity to do harm to me. Anyway, after a few days I found myself stuck in a seriously vengeful hate. I wanted revenge in a bad way. I thought up scenario after scenario in which I could make this person hurt like I was made to hurt. My lust for vengeance was consuming me. While my anger was justified my desire for vengeance was not. I began to question myself about why I wanted vengeance and realized that I had spoke it into existence through my threat. Through my words I gave up my ability to think rationally and locked myself into a set response, vengeance. After realizing what I had done I prayed about the situation and within minutes God released me from the bondage of my own words.
Ironically, while writing this blog entry I suddenly realized that I have been looking at the power of words in a very one sided way. I keep seeing my words as something that I have to control to prevent myself from creating problems in my own life, but I did not realize until now that the same power can be applied for positive things as well. Just like any other weapon, our tongue can be used to cause harm or protect. We all need to speak into existence positivity and watch God manifest those things in our lives.