Monday, July 28, 2008
I'm glad I'm broke today.
Well, I got drunk. Not nearly as drunk as I wanted to get. The wife caught on after my third glass full of rum with a trickle of cranberry juice. I was well on my way to passing out though. I had not eaten all day because we were fasting and the alcohol took effect rather quickly. How ironic is it that I give in to the call of alcohol on a day when I am fasting to strengthen my spirit? It's not ironic at all. It's all apart of our spiritual battle and I lost my battle last night.
I did my daily search for pain and as usual I found exactly what I was looking for. Just enough pain to push me away from my family and from God so I could wallow long enough in self pity to come up with a self destructive idea. The pain was too much for me and all I wanted to do was disappear into my glass. It worked. I felt great. No terrible flashes of events that I had never witnessed but can see so clearly, no memories of betrayal or deception, no feelings of loneliness or despair, it was nice. That was the worst part of it. The fact that it did temporarily relieve all of those terrible feelings made me feel guilty and a bit scared. It was too easy.
I know it was the wrong thing to do. No need to dwell on my mistake though, it will only make me feel bad and open the door for more mistakes.
I'm really scared that I will do it again. Sometimes it's a good thing to be broke and unable to do what you want to do.