Saturday, July 26, 2008

Going through it

I'm going through it. Life has thrown some stuff at me that I can't deal with alone. You know the good stuff like betrayal and deception, and lots of it. I have lost so many things as a result. I am struggling to deal with it. Struggling to forgive. I have recommitted myself to God and I'm doing everything I can think of to get through it. Prayer, counselling, support groups, anything that will help.

I am currently having serious urges to get pissy drunk. I feel like I need to consume large amounts of hard liquor to drown my sorrows. I know that it's not a good idea to self medicate with booze but I have an intense desire to get loaded and let it go. I can smell the alcohol. I can damn near taste it. My mind and body are both telling me to drink and not to stop until I pass out.

Funny thing is, I don't drink.

I have not really had any hard liquor since I was in high school. Yeah, I know, I started early. Thank God I ended early. My compulsive need for self control would not allow me to let myself get drunk around my wife or my children. I have always felt that I could not protect them if I was intoxicated. I also noticed that drinking would not be a good thing for my wife. I didn't quite understand it before but my gut was right, drinking would lead to bad things for her. I know they would lead to bad things for me as well considering the rogues gallery of alcoholics and drug users that I share DNA with. I knew I could never allow myself to start drinking as an adult or I would fall prey to the family curse.

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