It's a good thing that God is real because I don't know what I'm doing. My life feels like it's in shambles. Every time I follow my evil monkey and I say or do what I want to do I reap serious failure.
Last night I verbally lashed out at my wife in an effort to intentionally cause her pain. Unfortunately I was successful. I pulled out every evil thought I had and lobbed them at her like grenades. All because of my own hurt feelings. I was angry and hurt and completely out of control. I wanted her to feel like I feel. I hate myself for giving voice to my pain. It was not fair to her or our kids and it will not help me heal at all.
The crazy thing is I don't really recall what I said. At least not most of it. Some of it is starting to come back to me but most of it is a blur. I felt like I was possessed and just spewing venom. Almost like I was watching myself in a movie scene. I guess it doesn't really matter what state I was in, all that matters is that evil poured out of my mouth and seriously hurt my wife. For that I am terribly sorry.
One of the things I have been studying this week is how the devil will use your own guilt to keep you stagnant and you will miss out on your blessings. I'm struggling with this right now. I feel so guilty for having hurt her after she has worked so hard to make amends and be a good wife and partner. She has no idea how much the pain I caused her hurts me. The thought of losing her makes me feel sick to my stomach. We have gone through to much not to make it to the top together as husband and wife. I know the devils goal is to break us up and stop of from reaching Gods promise. Every time we get a prayer answered one of us, mostly me, acts like an ass. When I should be giving God all of the glory I am instead whining about what I lost and how much it hurts to be me.
That being said I truly thank God for simply being God. He has more than proven himself to me. Every time I create a situation of failure he corrects it. Every time I pray for help he provides it. So many things in my life that were dead or dying have been made new and whole. I can't tell you how amazing that is for me to witness.